beauty is a beast
by Cymbalaria
Summary: "The world doesn't tell men to look for the value in a girl who's a work in progress." While Elfman sleeps, Evergreen reflects.


**Authors note:** I don't usually write in first person, but when I tried writing this in third, it just really didn't work. So I guess this is a fun little experiment. Just a little stream-of-consciousness angsty thing for an underappreciated character and an underappreciated couple!

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" _It's a shame the only thing that's cute about you is your name."_

I meant those word cruelly, and maybe there really is such thing as karma, because the universe is going out of its way to make me regret saying them. They're not true at all— you're very cute. You're not handsome, not at all, which is odd because your sisters are so beautiful, but your jaw is the wrong shape for the rest of your face and whoever stitched up that old scar on your cheek when it was fresh clearly botched the job and your ears are too big and that's not even getting _started_ on how hideous most of your takeovers are…

But you _are_ cute. That sweet smile of yours is cute. It's cute how kind you are to animals and children. The flowery apron you wear when you cook is cute. Even your hair is cute. And right now, fast asleep on the picnic blanket with a sunburned nose and your head in my lap, you're absolutely _adorable_.

I want to keep you.

But I can't.

Girls like me don't get happily ever after.

It's alright for Laxus to be an asshole and a hot mess. He'll find some pretty girl (or guy, you never know) and she'll see the good man under all the layers of bullshit— the good man who's the only reason I didn't kill myself at sixteen, the good who's been my best friend all these years despite how lost he got along the way— and she'll be willing to stand by him while he gets his shit together. Because they tell girls to do that, you know. It's always how the story goes. A man can be a trainwreck of a person, but as long as he has a good woman to believe in him, it'll all be okay.

I'm a trainwreck, too. That's part of why Laxus and I are such good friends; we understand each other that way. But girls don't get the luxury of being a mess and having somebody love us anyway. We don't get to expect a good man who'll stand by us while we get ourselves together. The world doesn't tell men to look for the value in a girl who's a work in progress.

And yet here you are. You're trying. You're trying so hard but it's never going to work because I'm not meeting you halfway.

I lash out. I know. _I know_. I can be rude, harsh. To be fair to myself, everyone in this guild can be. We're just a big group of sarcastic jerks, and that's part of our charm. But with me… well, usually I just tease. But with you… with you, I dig too deep, and my words are too sharp for teasing. I whack you around the head with my fan when you push back, even though I admire the fact that you don't just lay down and take my shit (I wouldn't like you half so much if you did). It's not right. I know it's not right. And even so, you're trying so hard to be good to me.

Take today. You showed up at Fairy Hills with a picnic basket and that cute smile of yours and whisked me away to the hills over Magnolia, you fed me things that wouldn't be out of place in a nice restaurant, food I know for a fact you cooked yourself even if you didn't say so, and when you tried to talk to me about the different types of water birds we could see floating over the lake, I shut you down. Said it was boring. Why did I say that? It's not boring. I want to know about the ocean migration of rainbow pelicans. It's clearly interesting to you, and I want to know (and maybe if I knew about something besides art and magic, Freed would stop telling me to crack a book once in awhile).

I want so badly to just stop being so sharp and vile and cold. I want to be as good to you as you are to me, because you deserve that. But I can't, I don't know how.

Yes I do.

But I would have to let my walls down. I would have to be vulnerable. I would have to admit to being only human after all, and that terrifies me. My past isn't pretty. My childhood was… not good. It's left a lot of marks on me, and most of them aren't physical. That's true for a lot of people in our guild. But most of them have handled it better than me. Erza… I used to hate her so much because she went through hell just like I did but she came out strong and kind and empathetic and I just ended up damaged goods. I do a good job of pretending otherwise, but my baggage is heavy. There's a reason my last name doesn't show up on any of my guild records, and it's only partly because Makarov doesn't like to advertise the fact that he employs black magic users.

I know myself well. If I let myself be true with you, and you don't like the woman behind the pretty, poised mirage and decide you're done with me, I'm never going to be able to do it again. I'm not going to be able to open up again. Not with anyone else, not ever. If I stop pushing you so hard and pull you close, and then you pull _away_...

I let down my guard once, do you remember? When we were trapped in that tower, on Tenroujima? It wasn't much, just a glimpse at the weak little girl I really am, but it's more than anyone but Laxus, Freed, and Bickslow has ever seen of me.

Why do I only have male friends? I don't know. If someone asked I'd probably say it was because girls are too much drama, but I don't think that's actually true. That would just be me, parroting back what other people have said. The only catty, shallow girl I know is myself. (Well, maybe your sister. I've heard Mirajane was a hellcat in her younger years, always jealous and picking fights with Erza. But she's outgrown that, and I never did.)

Maybe I should make some female friends. Maybe if I were closer with some of the other girls in this guild, I would have someone to talk to about this and I could figure out what to do about you instead of having this go around and around and around and around in my head. Maybe Bisca, she knows about relationships… or Lucy. The guys all adore Lucy, and so does everybody else in the guild, there must be a reason for that, right? Or Juvia, maybe, provided I catch her on a day when Gray's not around?

I don't know. I'm like Laxus in that way, too— neither of us knows how to make friends at all. It's a miracle that Freed and Bickslow ever managed to put up with the two of us long enough to get as close as we all are. Things have gotten better, I'm better at talking to people and making nice now, and that feels good, but I don't feel like I'm any closer to anyone in the guild… except you.

And that's all because you're putting in the effort.

Your hair feels so soft. I'm running my fingers through it, it feels wonderful and it makes you hum in your sleep when I do.

We've been up here for hours. The sun is almost down, and the last of its light is sparkling like fairy dust on the surface of the lake. Even if we left now, it would be full dark by the time you see me back to Fairy Hills (and you _will_ walk me home, I know you will, you're a gentleman that way).

Maybe in a little while I'll wake you up. Before you're fully awake, you'll probably smile at me, that stupid, dopey grin that makes my heart go tight. Maybe I'll smile back. I'll want to, anyway. You'll say my name in that deep, raspy, sleepy voice of yours and it will make me want to cry and kiss you at the same time. I probably won't do either of those things. But I should. Maybe I will.

I will.

 _I will._

I have to start trying harder or I'm going to lose you. Sooner or later you'll get fed up with putting in all the work.

And you know what? Thinking back… that moment in the tower, on the island… I think that was the moment you started to fall for me. So maybe opening up a little, letting out a little vulnerability, wouldn't be the end of me.

You're such a gentle person. You'll be kind to me, won't you? If I stop lashing out, if I stop misbehaving like the spoiled little girl I never got the chance to be, if I try to be gentle with you like you deserve, if I let you see all my weakness… will you still look at me with those blue eyes of yours the same way you do now?

" _Yes."_


End file.
